Every once in awhile I peruse a website that caters to single LDS people. You know, on the off chance that since I'm unlisted and Prince Charming can't ride up to my house on his white horse because he can't find my address so I need to find him. On the world wide interwebs. Where true love... Okay, so I'm not really very hopeful. But I can do it in my sweats while I'm watching TV, and you can't say that about going to a Friday night dance.
I'm picky. I can afford to be. I've waited this long to find The One, I'm not exactly desperate. Here are some thoughts I've had tonight while being anxiously engaged but not engaged.
* Oooh, nice user name, clever and creative, shows a spark of creativity. Ack! I can't see anything else because of the glare of that shiny pate! [click]
* Anyone who adds "-ster" to the end of their name definitely does NOT deserve a click. Next!
* Oh, that's nice -- a cool Hinckley quote as part of your introduction. Nice. Oh, dear. What's happened to your neck? I think your shirt swallowed it. [next]
* You live in Salty Lake, huh? I don't think I want to swim all the time just to get to know you. Next.
* Why did you call yourself San Francisco when you live in North Carolina?
* Oooh, I love that photo from 1987! What do you look like NOW?
* Oh, do you only have one arm? I can only see one in all your photos. Oops, never mind. You're the guy who takes pictures of himself with his camera phone in the mirror and tries to post those. I'm sorry, but if you don't have a friend to take a picture of you, you probably won't succeed on a date.
* Is that a graduation gown or judge's robe?
* If you're 44 then I'm 28.
* Fabio? Is that you?
* Hey! It's Newman, the mailman from Seinfeld! I didn't expect to see you here!
* Hmmm the only photo you have is the one of you and your ex on your wedding day? Thank you for being considerate enough to at least crop her out before posting it.
And just for the record, "cruise casual" wear should only be worn by men of a certain age. Take note, guys. If you are under 60, no one thinks that's a good look. That floral print just isn't doing it for me.