Friday, August 6, 2010

Things I Wouldn't Have to Say If I Didn't Have Cats

* Stop licking my butt. Please.
* Go away! I don't come check out YOUR bottom while you're in YOUR litter box!
* Get your nose out of my nose!
* Ugh. You're especially farty tonight.
* Hey, I can't breathe with your entire body blocking my mouth and nose. Move. Please move. Move. Move. Moooooovvvvve! MOVE!
* Stop licking my mouth.
* Stop licking my ear.
* Stop licking my nose.
* Stop. Please stop. S T O P. (I still haven't found my "safe word" with my cats.
* Hey! That's MY vitamin B pill!
* No, the toilet is not a source of viable drinking water for you.
* Hey, you got a little...something...on that tail of yours. Yes, please, lick it clean.
* When will you learn to cover your poop?

Yes, I realize that complaining about poop, barf, hairballs, and the occasional accidental claw in one's nose is fruitless -- you can't stop a cat from being a cat or a kitten from exhibiting all its kitten attributes. So please allow me to add here that for all their stinks, messes and accidental destroying of property (people OR things) that they've inflicted on me over the years, for the most part I feel like Agnes from Despicable Me about a good stuffed unicorn. "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!"

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