Friday, March 11, 2005

If Reality TV Were Real, I'd Want My (Stupid) Former Boss To Go On The Apprentice

Scene: The Boardroom. Seated at the table are DONALD (The Hair); GEORGE and CAROLYN, DONALD'S advisors; a group of employees who are loyal to the company (LAURA, RENEE, CHRISTINA, KAREN & KATHY) but are at their wits' end due to having to put up with the insufferable, annoying, smelly, self-righteous and very stupid JACKIE; and JACKIE.

Fade up from black

DONALD: Jackie, I cannot see one redeemable quality about you. You are the worst manager I've ever seen. How you ever managed to rise from lowly dock receiving clerk to over-paid, over-rated Director is astounding to me. You don't know how to lead a team, you have absolutely no business accumen, you are socially retarded with the most disgusting breath in the world! Your employees can't stand you. You prevent others from doing work, even after demanding that they do your work for you. Among those methods used to slow down employees, you consistently block network printers because you don't check the queues when your worthless color presentations are hogging all the memory. You think colored charts are the only way to run a business, but you have no understanding or concept of the systems you're asked to manage! Jackie, you leave me with no choice. You're fired.

*end fantasy dream sequence.

*extended footage sequence*

The Hair: [looks to CAROLYN and GEORGE for confirmation] Well, that was a tough decision.

GEORGE: [lifts a bushy eyebrow] Not really. It's been a long time coming.

CAROLYN: What took you so long? She should have been gone years ago before even being promoted to senior business systems analyst, let alone director! I can't believe she had the nerve to call herself a manager! What a worthless excuse for a project leader. She makes me ashamed to be categorized as a business woman with her. She's a disgrace to my gender. No, scratch that. She's a disgrace to the American white-collar work force. That wasn't a hard decision at all! Way to go, Mr. Trump.

*end extended footage*

*New extra scene*
Location: outside Boardroom by elevators. JACKIE is waiting for the down elevator. The "up" elevator arrives. CHRISTINA, KATHY, RENEE, KAREN and LAURA ignore it. They wait with JACKIE for the down elevator.

The down elevator finally arrives.

WIth an unspoken communication borne of years enduring persecution together, CHRISTINA, KATHY, RENEE, KAREN and LAURA shove JACKIE as one into the elevator. They throw their own suitcases at and on her, spit, and poke her eyes. Someone starts to throw a punch, but is pulled back by the others as the elevator doors begin to close.

They wave cheerily. As the elevator descends, faint strains of "Ding Dong, the Witch is FIRED" carry down the shaft, accompanying JACKIE on her lonely ride.

A taxi cab sporting a large add for this season's sponsor, "Hot Jobs" arrives. JACKIE is helped in by the doorman, seemingly in a trance.

In the cab, JACKIE blearily blinks.

Why, it looks like she's...been, sleeping? Is that possible? She was ASLEEP during the most important meeting of her life!

JACKIE: Wha? What happened?
*fade to black*

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