Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Inheritance. Or, Why I'm Rich and You're Not

Both my parents recently died within 11 months of each other. For some people, that may mean a sudden windfall. For me, not so much. At least, not monetarily, which, if you knew my folks, makes perfect sense. The most valuable item I inherited is a piano. Then there are some sentimental items from childhood that don't need to be enumerated here. Some of the more odd items that I have been able to enjoy from the "estate" are Costco-sized packages of toilet paper and paper towels, a bunch of AA (new, Costco again) batteries, some white wheat and the spices from my mom's kitchen. It's all stuff that's come in handy -- I haven't had to buy toilet paper since February -- but it's not anything to take to the bank.

Luckily for me, other people are more than happy to share their considerable wealth and fortunes with me. I mean, I know they are because I got emails from them, or in some instances from their attorneys, offering me a once in a lifetime chance to get rich.

All I need to do is share some personal data and bank account information with them. The only dilemma I really face now is to decide which one to take advantage of. Because it would be unfair of me to accept all of them, right? I'm sure some other poor orphan somewhere could also stand to get rich quick.

Here are some of the offers: From Dr. Walter Farkas --

Hello my Dear, I am Walter Farkas,the MD. of Swiss Bank Zurich. Am happy to inform you that i have completed the transaction. I have finally received my 20m USD. Because of all you have done for me in the past,i want you to enjoy this me. Please contact my Secretary to get your share; He is; Mr. Terry Ekwe,a british national but is currently at my office in Nigeria where i am currently building an oil company for exportation of crude. His email addresses are: . His office is located in Nigeria. Please make sure you send him the following information complete; Your Full Name: Your address: Your country: Your occupation Your age: Your Phone number: I have forwarded instruction to him and he will be waiting for your mail with information on this. I have traveled to invest my share and i wont be reached for a year. I thank you for everything and God bless you. I do not know how you will feel but please do not reject this gift because its from my heart and i want you to share this joy with me. I cant tell how much happy that i am but God will never stop rewarding you for everything. Regards, PD Dr. Walter E. Farkas

According to this next gentleman, I already have $3.5 million waiting for me. But what I most appreciate about his offer is is fine spelling and grammatical skilz.

I've cashed your draft/cheque in worth of $3.9Million United State Dollars for your overdue payments, due to the expiry I boxed the money and deposited with shipment of BLUE-DART EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY Benin Republic, so to deliver the boxed to you, to avoid another hoax as you were disappointed in the past. So you’re requested to contact the BLUE-DART EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY with your delivery address and your telephone numbers so they shall commence immediately to deliver the box to your nominated address.

Note; The BLUE-DART EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY don't know the contents of the Box. I registered it as a Box of a FAMILY VALUABLE.They don't know that it contents $3.9Million.This is to avoid them delay with the Box.Don't let them know Content of the Box. Please make sure you send this needed information to the Director General of Blue-Dart Express Company DR. BERNARD DEMAS with the address given to you. So contact BLUE-DART EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY today and try to contact them with your personal information listed bellow;

blah blah blah

Some other guy tells me he has esophogeal and prostate cancer and is just looking for someone to leave a cool $46 million to to run some orphanage. Because that's what normal people do.

This last one is perhaps my favorite because it is the most unbelievable.

From: James Madsen & Associates
Managing Partner (James Madsen LLP)


On behalf of the Trustees and Executives of the estate of Late Mr. Frank Pierre, I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address given to this judiciary office by Mr. Frank Pierre before his death.
I wish to notify you that your contact email address was found on late Mr. Pierre last testament and which automatically means he has nominated you as one of his next of kin hence i am writing you regarding this.
He left the sum of Twenty one Million united states Dollars for you in the codicil and last testament to his will.This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past, or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends overseas who wished you well.
Mr. Frank Pierre until his death was not married and was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. He was a very dedicated Christian who loved to give out.
His great philanthropy earned him numerous awards during his life time Late Mr. Frank Pierre died on the 16th day of February 2006 at the age of 90 years and this money is to support his Christian activities and to help the poor and the needy, (may his soul rest with the Lord).
Please if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job with the following information.

1.Full Name
2.Contact Address
3.Telephone/Fax Number

I hope to hear from you in no distant time.

Yours in his service,
Barrister James Madsen
Office Address
8-10 New Fetter Lane,

I'm not sure what his being a member of the helicopter society and a good Christian has to do with him wanting to leave me his money, but with so much on the line, who am I to argue?

Also, what is it with Nigerians? Is there something in the water there that gives people millions of dollars?

So if I'm unreachable for the next little while, it's because I've responded to these very reasonable and believable requests and have bought myself an island somewhere in the South Pacific. Aloha.

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