Saturday, April 16, 2005

A Letter to Billy Blanks, Creator of Tae Bo

...which as we all know, is some made up name to make it sound like you're going to be able to use your new black belt and kick someone's butt in a dark alley.

Dear Billy,

Thanks to you, though, not only will I not be able to kick someone's hiney, I won't even be able to run away. I'll have to limp, hobble, really, because you and your silly exercise program have so completely messed up my hip and groin muscle that I can barely move.

Thank you for the guilt you so handily give me for not having 6-pack abdominal muscles or rock-hard thigh muscles. I wanted them, I really did. That's why I got your video eight years ago. I had high hopes for myself, just as I know you did, when you so sincerely looked in my eyes through the camera during your infomercerial and promised that I could shed unwanted pounds and flab. And I wanted to, I really did. I knew that with you as my personal coach, I could do anything.

Unfortunately, "anything" meant that all I could do was scream in agony as I felt my muscle slowly tearing away from the bone and ligament. I really did think that doing the leg lift kick out move would really prepare me to beat up bad guys with a swift, well-placed thigh-high kick.

Now you've come out with your new Basic Training program, which you claim you developed for the men and women in our armed forces. I don't know why I don't completely believe that claim. Was there really something you could offer, say, a Navy Seal that they weren't getting on their own? Just because you wear camoflauge clothing and your little army of muscled-robots wear little bits and pieces of camoflauged clothes strategically placed so as to best show off their own sets of muscles, does not necessarily make you qualified for the military. I could go to my local Army/Navy surplus store and buy that stuff myself, but it doesn't mean I'm actually IN the army, ya know?

I have progressed in my own self-confidence and body image to be comfortable enough now to just lie in bed and watch you trying to sell your product to the next generation of deluded people who think they need to look like you. I actually feel healthier just lying there and not stressing about it than I would if I thought I needed to look like you.

In short, Billy Blanks, take your silly little troop of insane people and go away. I have a bowl of ice cream I need to eat.



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