Thursday, July 29, 2004

Guest entry today. I was going to update today because of a funny conversation I was involved in regarding a potential new office chair for me. But then I got sidetracked and knew I wouldn't have time. I was talking to Qwendy who said she'd do it for me, and was fairly surprised when I said, "Sure, go ahead." She's beating me to the punch on the new office chair (which is sad, since there was much comic potential there for me), but does a great job.

Please welcome my (almost) imaginary friend, Qwendy.

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I'm pouting today....

For several reasons, all relating to Laura.

"Who's Laura?" you ask? Well, I don't even know where to start. Laura is... Well.. There's just no short answer to this. I guess to sum it up, she's one of my best nearly imaginary friends. She's in other people in the room can see her. She plays golf, works for Disney, does jujujujubee (form of martial arts/snack food) tai chi, DANCES up a storm, writes, and poohs frequently. And all that is real and 100% true. But I like to embellish -- so she's my Disney Exec Friend (Eisner's right hand gal) who is training for the LPGA tour, who meanwhile centers her life in a Zen sort of way to help keep her grounded.

Oh! And one more thing, she's the owner of this Blog. I'm guest writing for her today. Hence one of the reasons I'm pouting. She writes a fairly lengthy blog, that is quite witty, and for whatever reason, she lets me read it. Today, she taunted me with "I might update my Blog." Then quickly she rained upon my parade with, "but I doubt I'll have time." So, she told me to do it, and that's why I write.

Now for the other reasons I'm pouting:

1.) I'm going up to my parents' house tommorrow. It was my mom's birthday a few weeks ago... It's 3pm ... And I still don't have a gift. I need to have one by tommorrow morning. What to get the woman who has everything.... I'd love to get her a new daughter-in-law to replace my brother's current crazy wife... But I don't exactly know how to go about that. Laura doesn't either, and she's brilliant (brilliant enough to be a resident of Smartsville, my own town I'm creating). Anyhow, apparently she's not brilliant enough to solve this. We need Einstein and Newton to help, and they've passed on, so I think we are out of luck.

2.) In addition to spending the day with my parents in their boring house, watching them build a big gigantic shower, I'm also being subjected to a BBQ in the evening with my brother and his current crazy wife. (wife referenced in Pout #1) I hate her... Despise her... Want to spit venom on her face. Yet, my mother asked me to "Be polite, and pretend to like her, pretend it's an acting excercise." I told her, "We will roll the dice when I get there. Odds = I'm nice, Evens = I'm Evil. It will be a fun little exercise of luck." She thinks I'm kidding. *note to self, pack dice*

3.) I was struck by brillance today. My dear friend Laura said she wished she had a portapotty in her office. I, being a kind friend, wanted to grant her wish. I thought it would not only be a great way for her to meet people, but a convenient item to have in one's office. I'm sure everyone in the building would stop by and visit her to see the porta-potty. I called Andy Gump; they specialize in portapottys. I was ecstatic to learn that indeed it would cost $35 to deliver, and would be "maintained" once a week. I've been wondering what to get Laura for Christmas. This is the gift that would keep on giving. But, my brilliant gift idea was shot down when he asked for the jobsite location. When I informed him it was the 24th floor, he said, "Ahem. We can't do that." Apparently there is some LAME law that you can't put a portapotty in an enclosed area. The 24th floor would fall under an "enclosed area." He said "Yes, even if she could open a window," which I personally would think she would need to have that option with a Portapotty in her office and Taco Bell in close proximity. Anyhow, I was dismayed, but I will fight to have this law changed. Laura will get her wish granted day!

Oh, my. The mental image of me having that in my office, and billing it as my new office chair is just too funny. And a lot embarassing.

Her husband works in the building next door. Since she doesn't know my office address, she was planning on having it delivered to his office, then he could just wheel it on over.

Sadly, I'd have to talk to the office cleaning staff about maintenance, and I don't think I'm up for that.

As much as I appreciate Qwendy's thoughtfulness, I'm equally glad that the word "catheter" never came up anywhere our conversation. Real or imaginary, I'd have to put a stop to our friendship.

And since we're on the subject, this image was sent to me today by a different friend, with the caption, "Would you use it?" It looks like a normal public toilet stall from the outside -- innocent-looking, unobtrusive, not altogether unattractive.

But from the inside:

Oh dear. Can you imagine how many people would start using that as a mirror as you're, um, going about your business?

Qwendy's response: "Absolutely.. but I'd leave the door open.. I like a breeze!"

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What I'm Reading: "Ring of Truth," by Nancy Pickard.

What Qwendy neglected to mention was the porta-potty alternative, once she found out the real deal wasn't allowed in an enclosed office space. It looks like

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