Friday, May 16, 2003

If Ah-nuld Were President

If Arnold Schwarzanegger were president of the United States, how cool would that be? A few things would change around the White House, I’ll tell you that much. For the first time in history, the President and First Wife would be from two separate parties. Congress wouldn’t have very much to complain about anymore — both major parties would be fairly represented. A Kennedy would be back in office again. Not only that, but chances are pretty good that no one would want to assassinate this one.

Fat would not be allowed. Not fat on people or fat people, because then I would totally be an illegal and the INS would be after me, but fatty foods. No more doughnuts, which might not be such a great thing, but in the long run, couldn’t hurt. Exercise would be required. Not for distance or strength, just do your best. Be as fit as you can. Okay, maybe a little chocolate cake, but let’s balance it out with some MetRX.

Since he’s so wealthy, Arnold wouldn’t have to take money from third parties to represent their interests. Yes, like Reagan he’d be made fun of for some pretty bad movies (think “Last Action Hero,” or “Conan,” which might not really count since he wasn’t allowed to speak back then), but there’s some pretty good ones too. Instead of saluting him, you can say good bye with a simple, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Or should that be, “Hasta la vista, Chief”? as in “Hail to the”?

The biggest question is, who would be his running mate? Things could certainly be shaken up if Maria were the vice-president. Is it even allowed to have the vice- and president be from different parties? Think of the money that could be saved for the conventions – instead of having two separate ones and having to worry about national security, just combine the two of them. Have it in Philadelphia, the original home of Brotherly Love.

That’d be cool. Not to mention the inherent coolness of having a woman vice-president.

Jesse Ventura would be put in charge of the CIA, for obvious reasons. I mean really, would you want to mess with that wacko? Saddam and Osama would really have something to fear then. Wouldn’t those muscles be intimidating to terrorists? And he wouldn’t just spy on you, but afterwards would pick you up and heft you over his head, twirl you around a few times, throw you to the ground and jump on you a couplla times.

What about Hulk Hogan, you ask? Would there be any place for him in the cabinet? Nah, I don’t think so. He’d insist on bringing along that annoying puppet Alf from those long-distance commercials, and that’d just be ugly.

Before spiraling too far down on the wrestling mat of what-ifs and losing all hope for the future White House and cabinet, let’s focus on a happier note. No more stuffy state dinners with boring appetizers and entrees. Remember Planet Hollywood? That themed restaurant that was oh-so-cool in the 90s? Arnold could bring his pals Bruce, Demi and, oh, who was that other guy? Oh right, Sly Stallone. Anyway, all those Hollywood has-beens (or never-weres) would experience a resurgence of popularity. Maybe they could be members of the cabinet in some capacity or other.

Ahh. Hollywood and the WWF take over Washington. Hasta la vista, politics. Let the good times roll.

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