Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Hello, Cyberspace

Whoa. This is weird. I mean, this thing about sharing my thoughts and life with an unseen world. It's one thing to tell my best friend and roommate, Linda (I'm sure you'll be hearing more about her), the happenings of my day, and I have other friends that I talk to about my life, but since they're all different, they all get different versions, or things that I think matter to them. Linda's the only one who gets the whole unedited thing, and her I can trust. You? I'm not so sure about. It will help that I can't see you, I suppose. But I'm a natural-born pleaser. I want you to be happy with what I write. Even more, I want you to be impressed with my wit and style and literary prose. I also am aware of my literary puniness and know that if I can accomplish that even once it'll be a miracle.

I want you to respect me in the morning.

You, dear readers, pose a problem to me. I find myself in the same dilemma when I'm burning CD's for my friends and family. I like to make CD's of my favorite (then) music for people to listen to. I think it's a fun way for them to get to know me at that point in my life (that really makes me sound selfish, but that's not what it's about, promise!) because music means so much to me and expresses me so much better than I can sometimes, that it's easy to see what kinds of things I'm experiencing based on the songs that mean a lot to me right then.

Anyway, when I'm putting songs on them knowing that they'll be going to my family members and friends, I second-guess myself, which I hate. I think, "Ooh, she won't like that," or, "Oh, my dad will be disappointed with that selection," and I get on my own nerves. It ends up being more of an expression of what I think they think I should like rather than who I really am.

That is my fear with doing this. I want it to be an expression of me -- my thoughts and feelings (as dreary and mundane as they may be) -- without having to cater to anyone else.

Case in point: some of the things that I may want to write about are my friends and family members, but how do I do that honestly knowing that they may end up as "audience" members? Even some of my best friends can also be my archest enemies at times, and how can I be honest with myself if I'm censoring myself?

I prefer to be honest in a round-about way, really. Maybe I just won't tell them about this! Yet. Maybe later. I don't want them to be ashamed of me. I will continue delusionally hoping that total strangers will read this and love me. From afar. Maybe I need therapy.

Or not. This is cheaper. I can't see you and you can't see me, and I get to practice my writing too.

Here's to my thoughts then! {clink} No, wait. Here's to my edited thoughts! No, not quite. Here's to what my fingers end up translating what my brain thinks it's thinking. That's just stupid though. Here's to....

Me being me. {clink}

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